Grief That Comes... and Goes

Anyone who has lost anything important (which is probably 99.9% of the human race) knows the grief that comes with that loss. Even long after the initial loss and grieving process, certain events and reminders can trigger the pain all over again.

At the end of December, 1993, our first child, Erin, was born. We knew beforehand that she would be born with Down Syndrome, and so even before she arrived in our arms, we had already started to work through some of the grief that came along with that. For every parent who has a "special child", that grief comes from the loss of much of what you had hoped the child would be and could become. Erin's arrival changed our lives in many other ways, other things that we had to give up (willingly or unwillingly), that in turn compounded grief upon grief. At the same time, we wanted to remember that this life was a gift from God, and in the midst of processing the grief, we chose to celebrate, and invited others to celebrate with us the joy of being new parents. Indeed, over the past 14 years, it is the celebration of Erin's life and what she is that has eased the pain of what she is not. However, like a bad weed that can never be fully eradicated, that pain surfaces from time to time, threatening to further excoriate the wound.

This past week was just such a time for me. The international school that our younger two children attend closed off the academic year this past week. On the second last day of school, the middle school held a special event for all those who are "graduating" from Grade 8 and will be going into high school this fall. As I was leading Erin out of the grade 2 art class that she participates in, I saw all the grade 8 gals dressed in their best, make-up on, and prepared for the event. Proud parents were there taking pictures. It suddenly hit me - this would be the class Erin would be in! If she didn't have Down Syndrome, she would be dressed up and having her picture taken with the rest of her classmates. If she didn't have Down Syndrome, my wife and I would be there with the other parents of all the grade 8 students, laughing and celebrating with them in our children's accomplishments. If Erin didn't have Down Syndrome, she could be building the memories of partying with her friends at this special time. If Erin didn't have Down Syndrome......!

The grief lasted for a few days, and then subsided. Till today. I was looking at an album of a facebook friend from the school, and saw the pictures of the grade 8 class. The boys, the girls, and then the whole class together. The pictures were beautiful, but all I could see was that Erin wasn't in them. And so I go through one more cycle of grief.....

I am sincerely happy for all our friends who have children in the Morrison middle school graduating class this year. We celebrate with them in the accomplishments of their kids, and we hope and pray for the best for each of them. At the same time, I choose to once again, celebrate in Erin's life. It is a very different life, but it is also a life of joy, sometimes mixed with pain. As is every life. In the meantime, I ride out the alternating waves of grief and gratitude, knowing that in a special way, because of Erin, this will forever be a part of my life.

Remembering A Great Canadian Legend

Tomorrow (June 2) marks the 25th anniversary of the death of Stan Rogers. It is still hard to believe he was only 33 when he died.

For you non-Canucks and otherwise nescient beings of the greats of folk music, Stan Rogers was (and continues to be) one of the greatest music artists Canada has produced in the last Century. His deep, rich voice and notable talent in song-writing left a indelible mark on the music and folk culture of the country. Music in general has been called the language of the soul. If that's true, then Stan's music spoke with a fluency and artistry uncommon among those who practice the craft.

The first song I ever heard by Stan was "Northwest Passage". I heard it on CBC radio as I was painting my parents' house one summer. Before the song was even half done I knew I was hooked. That voice was so captivating, so rich, so compelling. Anyone who's acquainted with his music can insert whatever adjective they want here: ___________ .

Since then I have purchased all of Stan's albums, including the most recent "From Coffee House to Concert Hall", a collection of previously unreleased recordings. Thinking about the anniversary of his passing motivated me to put together a list of what I consider to be the 10 best Stan Rogers songs (no small task). If you're a Stan Rogers fan, I'm sure you may take exception to some of my choices. Remember, this is my list. From all of the many Stan Rogers songs I enjoy, these are the ones that move me in a particularly special way. These are the songs that have either transported me to the place and time Stan was singing about, have made me cry at one time or another, or have otherwise touched my heart in a way that most other songs don't. So, in no particular order (to order the 10 would be impossible), here are my favorite Stan Rogers songs (you can click on each song title to link to a copy of its lyrics):

1. Northwest Passage - why not start with the one I've already mentioned? This a cappella song describes the history of explorers that sought passage through the Arctic Ocean to the Pacific. Stan weaves his own calling and urge to probe new territory with that of those early adventurers.

2. Lock Keeper - A song that contrasts the viewpoints between a man who manages the locks, preferring the security of  love and relationship at home to that of the sailor who is bound to the life of wandering at sea. The locks mentioned in the song are those of the St. Lawrence Seaway, including the Welland Canal in St. Catharines, Ontario, where my wife grew up. I have seen the ships moving through those locks. An impressive sight!!

3.  The Mary Ellen Carter - In the song, the Mary Ellen Carter was a ship that ran aground in a storm and sank, then was resurrected by those who refused to give her up for lost. The song is an allegory for those who are tempted to give up in the midst of life's struggles and setbacks.

4. Tiny Fish For Japan - a song about the Canadian east coast fishing industry falling on hard times, when the local fisherman could only catch smelt for canning and shipping to markets in Japan. One really feels the sense of loss and frustration in this song.

5. Witch of the Westmorland - The only song in this list that wasn't written by Stan Rogers (that credit goes to Archie Fisher), Stan nevertheless does a great interpretation of the majesty and mystery in the lyrics of this song.

6. Harris And The Mare - for some reason this song moves me deeply each time I listen to it. One of my all-time favorite SR songs. There is tragedy in this ballad of how a young man defends the honor of his wife, and one deeply senses the emotion in this song.

7. The Field Behind The Plow - though Stan was raised on Canada's east coast, the story is told of how he spent some time with farmers on the prairies, and within only a few days was able to write a song that captured the essence of what a farmer's life was like. I've worked on farms enough in Canada's "mid-west" to attest to the fact that Stan "nailed it" on this one.

8. The House of Orange - This was the last song ever written by Stan before his death in 1983. It is his only "political" song, decrying the violence of war, in this case, as it related to the tensions between the nationalist and unionist segments in Ireland.

9. Forty Five Years - A song that celebrates faithfulness and longevity in a monogamous marriage relationship (well, Stan puts it much more poetically than I).

10. Macdonnell On The Heights - Stan recounts the Battle of Queenston Heights (War of 1812) led by Major-General Isaac Brock. Residents of (and tourists to) Queenston, Ontario, are very familiar with "Brock's Monument", but are less acquainted with the name of John Macdonnell, Brock's aide-de-camp (camp assistant), who, after seeing the General fall in battle, led a charge up the hill to break through the American lines and gain victory for the British. Macdonnell also lost his life in the skirmish and his remains are interned at the monument with the General. Stan's song attempts (and succeeds) to give Macdonnell the memory he deserves.

Well, that's my list of my 10 favorite, though I would have to give special mention to songs like White Squall, Giant, Fogarty's Cove, Barrett's Privateers, and Song of the Candle. If you are a fan of Stan's music, what are some of your favorite songs? If you have never heard of Stan Rogers before, I hope this will help to introduce you to a talented "statesman" of Canadian folk music.